DVD Reviews By Judd Whale

The new movie reviewer for the channel 8 tv show called 'cool parade' is done by a robot that is a cross between judd nelson and a whale. he is called judd whale and he gets about 5 minutes at the end of the show just for him to do a movie review. at the start of the segment, judd whale is lying on his stomach and out of the blow hole comes flying up the dvd case of the movie he is about to review, then they do this trick where the dvd changes from an actual dvd that came out of the blow hole into a picture of the dvd case that spins 360 a heap of times getting bigger and bigger and comes right up to the screen and stops so you can see it clearly. the rating system that judd whale uses is called the kelp-o-meter. the more kelp that judd whale gives a film the better it is. this week he reviewed the movie poison ivy. he said that it was ok, nothing special and the kelp-o-meter went about half way up. he has a side-kick also who is there to make funny comments and i always find it strange when the host is an animatronic judd nelson/whale and the side-kick is a real human. it would be way more believable if the side-kick was like an animated sea turtle that they superimpose into the shot. oh well. but i still like the segment anyway.

Old Men From Shops

There is a shop near my house that hires out old men. more and more people seem to want to have old men hanging about the house because now that tv has stopped people need silly stories to entertain themselves. the demand is so high that the store has begun to get middle aged men to wear make up to make them look older and they have synthesized the scent of old men and rub it on the pretend old men to make them more authentic. having one around the house is almost like having a big sleepy cat sometimes, and it is nice to have one curl up at your feet while you read a book or a magazine. they like pats and also like having their tummies rubbed. also people like to put them in the front yard as a kind of welcome home thing and it is funny when all the people on your street do it because that means that there are old men in dressing-gowns on all of the lawns and if you are really still and listen carefully you can hear them all gumming the insides of their mouths. i usually hire out don, but if he is out i like to get george. if it is a cold day you usually hire about 6 or seven and get them to pace around the house and it warms the place up real nice.

Spyderon: Private Investigator

There is a new private investigator in my town and his name is spyderon. he is a big spider who also is a spy and he is very good according to his advert in the paper which reads 'spideron is descrete, spideron will catch the baddies, spideron has low fees, spideron is your main squeeze. also spideron is the best'. he has this thing that holds lots of binoculars in front of his many eyes, but he did lose one eye when he was a little boy because he has a wheat allergy and lucky it was only one eye so he has an odd number of eyes so he just wears a patch to cover the odd one out. he has pretty bad asthma too, so he isn't as fast as he used to be. and he doesn't have a car so he has to take the bus but that's ok because he has a disguise that makes him look like a man who is ill. this is a good disguise because he needs to use crutches anyway. i went to visit him in his office which is a room in his moms house, so he doesn't have to pay rent. he told his mom that it is only temporary, and when the big cases start coming in, he will get a proper office. when i went to hang out with him we played mario kart for ages and talked about movies. he even has one of those frosted windows on the door with his name on it and i was really really impressed by it. there is also an ad on tv late at night for his services.

Psychological Thriller Shortage

Really good scientists have discovered that video shops have removed an entire section of videos, and now a genre could be lost. it is the psychological thriller section, and the stores just mix them all in with 'action adventure'. the biggest problem this causes is that when you get a video from the 'action adventure' section thinking that you are going to go home and watch an 'action adventure' film, you might sometimes have unknowingly picked out a psychological thriller. there is a group that is forming to fix this problem but they haven't come up with a cool acronym so they are basically useless. other different scientists are saying that the genre could be wiped from the face of the planet by 2020. matt damon gave a press conference to talk about the plight of the genre and he had sandwiches and bookshelves thrown at him because people said the 'bourne' whathaveyou's were 'action adventure' and that he was actually part of the problem. he responded by saying that him and ben affleck would remake that movie the lion king as a psychological thriller and star in it themselves in a live action version. if this actually happens, we could see more psychological thrillers being made.

New Album From Sha-Sha

Pop music sensation 'sha-sha' has just released her first full length album called, 'the sha-sha shake'. it features her first single, 'magic moves' which came out about a month ago and includes the video-clip for it. the video for 'magic moves' has the dance that she made up called 'the sha-star'. i have been practicing this dance for a while now but i am just not flexible enough to do it, in one part you have to like a star jump but your legs have to bend right up and touch your hands. i read an article that said that maybe sha-sha had her knees removed so she could do it, and i guess that is why i have never seen her actually walking. she is always either suspended from something like in her video clip, or lying down on the ground on her stomach looking at the camera, or underwater with fish. lots of young people are getting this surgery for christmas just so they can do the dance, other people do the dance really really slow while sitting in a chair and there is a version of the song that is exactly the same but slowed right down so the people who do the dance sitting down have time to get into position. this version makes her sound really funny and i find it a little bit scary. i have promised myself that i will not get my knees removed just to do the dance.

End For Clock-Radio

The term clock-radio is to be phased out according to one of my sources at a big company that makes electronic goods. my source, aka 'book worm' told me yesterday that this change will have a dramatic effect on the whole of the industry. 'book worm' told me that people are no longer purchasing the clock-radio en masse and in order to get people back to buying them, the industry is changing the name to r.a.d.d which stands for receive analogue display digital (pronounced, rad). mostly it is to attract to the younger share of the market. the current tv campaign has a young boy coming back from the shop to meet his pals and they're all like, hey where have you been jonsey, and then jonsey goes, my new rad is rad, then all his friends look at each other and go, rad rad? then it cuts back to jonsey and he is smiling super big and then it does a close up and he just says, rad, it's rad. then he turns his cap so it is backwards and skateboards away.

Junk Mail Ladies

My town has had to set up a neighbor-hood watch type watch to keep all eyes peeled trying to catch the junk mail ladies. or just lady, no one is sure at this stage. people who have the no junk mail stickers in their mailbox are 6 times more likely to have a major panic attack on bin-day than the people who don't have the stickers. see, what the junk mail ladies do is, use the garbage trucks as cover, then, when they get around to you house, they fill the mailbox with their junk mail. local police still don't have any leads so i have taken things into my own hands. like a vigilante. the theory is that the junk mail lady/ladies have large crab like claws and that they can scuttle at speeds up to that of the nba. my plan is to sppok one by preempting her attack - i shall stuff my mailbox with junk mail before she gets there, and hopefully she will collapse thinking someone is trying to take over her route, then collect the bits of her outer shell from the floor and take it to the police to check on their database. it's a long shot, but someone has to do something.

Tammy Reese Wins Competition

'Neurotic house-keeper magazine' had a competition last month. the winner was allowed to be the guest editor for the coming issue and to win it you had to write in 20 words or less what would you write an article about. tammy reese (7) wrote: ' forks go in fork drawer, shoes go in shoe cupboard, so the chairs should go in a chair room'. and the rest as they say, is history. with the help of some of the magazine staff she was able to organize her house just the way she wanted but her parents were a little upset. tammy's house now has a room for blankets, a room for radios, a room for bric-a-brac, a room for cardigans, a room for chairs, a room for cupboards etc. of course, there weren't enough rooms in the house to cover all the different things, so she had make her parent take out a half dozen mortgages to build an extension. 540 rooms in total. now there is a room in the house that just has a cat in it, and a room in the house that just has family members. the photos that accompany the article are pretty incredible but the one with her mom and dad just shows tammy beaming happy, and her parents crying a whole lot. some of the rooms are really small like the room for necklaces.

Lego Teeth

A few weeks ago i tried an experiment that didn't really go so well. i was playing with lego, building stairs on top of my stairs in order to make like a foot massage stairwell because i like foot massages but i hate going up stairs. i tripped on a pepper grinder and fell onto a book shelf and all of my teeth turned into rockets and flew away. then i had the idea that i should replace all of my teeth with lego because i really like the sound of lego being pulled apart. i got my best friend jason to help me with gluing the new lego teeth in and i couldn't eat or drink for 'allow 2-3 hours for glue to set'. flossing with lego teeth is the best thing in the world! also now i can make huge rabbit teeth by joining my other lego bits to my lego teeth so that they come down past my chin. right now i have joined my lego pirate set to my teeth and made it wrap around my head. sometimes it gets a bit heavy and my head droops so i have to make the lego-growth go behind my head to even the weight out. now jason (my best friend) wants lego teeth too so we are trying to figure out a way for him to have all of teeth come out. then it would be awesome. mostly now i eat soft food.

Dinosaur Dungeon

On last nights episode of dinosaur dungeon (i always found it odd that there were no dinosaurs in the show...), peg leg sophie was trapped in her car because that stupid cg pegasus saw her trying to steal lord oberton's organizer from the secret drawer in his desk. the cg pegasus trapped her in the car by means of sticky-tape and a bag of snakes. but what i really liked was how she managed to get out of the car. see, lord oberton hates the cg pegasus so so much, and really has a crush on peg leg sophie and he knew that she would steal his organizer and the last entry in the organizer was something about how he knew she would end up stuck in the car and it told her how to get out. she got out by knocking out one of the snakes with a peg leg, then putting its tail in the cigarette lighter of the car, then the snake ran out through a small hole in the floor board and wrapped itself around the cg pegasus, and the cg pegasus fell onto the sticky-tape that covered the car and burned it off the car so she could open the door, then she ran out and hugged lord oberton and he found the self destruct button on the pegasus and the pegasus blew up and then snakes turned into confetti.

Jazz Solo

The longest jazz solo ever performed was by an 11 year old hugh grant. it went for just over 6 minutes and he denies that it ever happened to this day. the whole thing was recorded by his step father on one of those handy-cams that was big enough to take a vhs tape. hugh grant was wearing a rabbit costume and an accordion fell into the mouth hole in the rabbit costume and slightly concussed the boy and the accordion kind of loosened and got tangled up round his body and the jazz solo ensued. his step father was recording some birds in a tree and so it is very lucky that he was an avid bird watcher or else the footage wouldn't even exist. just after a bootleg of this recording came out jazz musicians began playing in the 'grant suit' style, where they would try and drop instruments into animal costumes that they wear to get it as good as hugh did that memorable june afternoon.

Cyclops Attack

If you are ever confronted by a giant cyclops there are really only a handful of things that you need to know in order to trick it. firstly, one should avoid fancy cafe's because they are coffee fiends, an average cyclops will drink up to 19 black coffee's each hour. aside from this method of avoidance, one will likely encounter a cyclops on public transport. and everybody needs to take the bus. even cyclops'. when threatened by a cyclops you should cover one of your eyes and make a noise like a washing machine. this noise is what a baby cyclops sounds like, and covering an eye will make it think that you are a cyclops baby. if these methods fail you have to try reverse-cyclops-scare-tactics like taking a bag of chalk and throwing it down in front of you so it looks like a magic potion, or by singing the national anthem. cyclops' are notoriously unpatriotic and this will give them such a headache that they will try to hurt themselves. if a bus full of people sing the national anthem, then the cyclops will rip its legs off, rendering it harmless. i have laminated these instructions if people need an all weather instruction sheet.

Fun Activity

The newest craze to sweep my town is called 'onesies'. everyone on your street has to have a little battery powered keyboard to participate though, and you can pick these up real cheap from any secondhand dealer. each house on the street gets assigned one note on their keyboard (my note is F#) and when you leave your house you have to take the keyboard with you and when you see someone else with their keyboard you have to play your note. this works best when there is a group of people. so as to avoid confusion, the tallest person plays their note first and so on down to the shortest. this is so much fun to play on the way to the shops. i have chosen to always use the 'jazz organ' sound. one time when i was going to get milk i helped play the theme to 'close encounters of the third kind', then on the way back home a song by 'the supremes'. it is a good community activity. but some people kind of cheat and wear lifts in their shoes so they can play the first note, then they quickly take them out so they can play the last note, but nobody seems to mind because now lots of people are doing it and it does look a bit silly with all these people wearing huge lifts in their shoes and walking around a bit clumsy. i hope it comes to a town near you.

Dinner Jacket FM

On the fm dial i discovered a radio station that i had never heard before, i probably have accidentally heard it before but not really noticed it because the announcer hardly ever speaks. it's called dinner jacket fm and it is a station devoted to helping people sleep. what people do is call in before they want to go to sleep and request things that help them go to sleep. todd almsted requested the sound of 'lawn mowers in the neighbors yard on a sunday morning'. this i did not really like. margaret pepper asked to hear 'lots of taps dripping'. odd thing about mrs pepper is that she has had 7 constantly dripping taps installed in her bed room, she is a widow. jose smith wanted to sleep listening to 'people mumbling to themselves', he works in a factory that makes biscuits. i called in asked to hear my cat snoring. the announcer called me a rascal and laughed and said that he doesn't have a recording of my cat snoring so i recorded it then mailed it to him the next week and he played it for me. i was on the radio, i was so excited.

"THE DOLLIT" Is Here

"I am The Dollit... There can be no shield without The Dollit" this is the first contact that i had with the dollit. that was what he said. the dollit is better than everyone else. he is approximately 70% better than everyone at everything i tested him on. he will make everything better. i am pretty sure that the dollit comes from way out in outer space. he has the face of jesus in his throat, the body of godzilla and he has the tentacles of an octopus. so far today, the dollit has already ran the 3 minute mile, made a fruit juice, and done all of the ironing. he talks without moving his lips. apparently he gets all of his power from top 40 radio. there are a few other important bits of information that you should know about the dollit. he is always in capital letters and the letters are always bigger than anyone elses, and there are always lots of exclamation marks after his name. as yet, i am not totally clear on the whole shield thing but i guess the dollit will let us know when the time is right.

Honor

Yesterday i was forced to protect my honor at the roller disco. i was under the assumption that a roller disco wasn't specifically for people with roller skates, i thought it also included rollerblades. i was wearing my new rollerblades that i got for my birthday. the rollerblades came with a really great instructional video and i hadn't even put them on and i was hooked! so anyway i was at the roller disco and having never rollerbladed before i was a bit clumsy, i spent the whole night holding on the edge of the rink kind of walking around the rink going very slow. in hindsight i probably should have practiced all day but that damn video made it look so easy. anyway i bumped into a girl and her boyfriend who was as big as a post office threatened to kill me unless i jumped over a car on my rollerblades. so i did it to defend my honor then i ran home.

No Fractions

When i was 9 years old i was sick from school for a whole week. i had a really sore leg because someone dropped a huge sack of transformer toys on it. this was when they were made out of glass and the glass broke and grimlock got stuck in my shank. so while i was home sick my class learned fractions. the whole deal. when i came back to school i had missed out entirely and whenever the subject of fractions came up in later years i had to pretend to be sick and leave the room. my teachers asked my parents if there was something wrong with me because whenever they would say anything to do with it i would faint. my moms just said i was particularly sensitive. at first i was pretending but later i actually would faint. even at the supermarket i sometimes faint when trying to figure out how much my bag of carrots would cost if they are such-and-such a price per what-have-you. once i fainted while watching top-gun at the cinema and i still can't make it through the whole film. all those dials. also naked gun.

Sea Creature Trilogy

This week i am working on a trilogy of sea creature inspired dance moves. i may even turn it into a great ballet if i think the moves are up to scratch. what i have in mind is a seahorse, a squid and a crab. so far all i have is the seahorse and i think it is quite good. i showed it to my next door neighbor david and he said it was an accurate depiction of a seahorse. i think the reason that it is so good is because i have been watching a whole lot of nature documentaries. the seahorse is a very elegant animal, i would go so far as to say majestic. the hard part was making the curly tail look real and also the snout. i have only been working on the squid since this morning and i would say it is the second hardest sea creature to copy. the crab should be easy because on the seahorse documentary there is a preview of a crab documentary called 'crab wonders: nature's hardest workers part 2 - the crab' and i will definitely hire it.

Jelly Concentrate Marrow Augmentation

Each year professional athletes spend on average $6,000,000 on sports energy drinks. in a 4 page article in 'sports doctor magazine', dr. ernst yoghurst details a new surgery that will cut this spending dramatically. he has invented a procedure called 'jelly concentrate marrow augmentation'. this is how it works. you get all the marrow taken out of all your bones and then mix in with the marrow a slow release sports grade potency jelly crystal concentrate, then after it's all mixed up real nice the mixture goes back into the bones of the athlete. each procedure will last a professional athlete one decade (10 years), and it only costs $18,000. there is also a similar procedure for the domestic market, where they take out all of your saliva and then mix it with a less potent jelly crystal concentrate, then put the saliva back in. this should last about a year, and it only costs $70. some sports drink manufacturers are trying to ban both these operations but some are trying to get dr. yoghurst to use their sports drink ingredients.

Music Video Clip

On the music video channel i saw a clip for a band called 'power drive'. they were doing their song 'the future is cool' and i thought that it didn't make much sense. so i waited for it to come on again and i taped it so i could analyze it more. it seems to me that 'power drive' are really into some bizarre semaphore things. i haven't quite decoded the clip but a lot of the signs that they make i can't find in the semaphore guide book and i think that maybe they have almost invented a new and better language. in the chorus all the people in the band are standing on a construction site on a huge scaffold and there are cars that are on fire and i was thinking i hope nobody gets hurt or burnt. so far today i have watched 'the future is cool' 15 times and it seems that one of the people in the band is the leader because he is easily the tallest and he gets a lot more camera time than anybody else. i think i want to get a hair cut like him, all slicked back and smooth. he looks quite strong and he probably used to work on the construction site. here are some words i could make out from the bizarre semaphore dance/signal. 'finance', 'comb', 'quickly', 'duck', 'snoopy', 'plinth'. i will keep watching it to try to figure out what it means. the video has lots of explosions in it and the music is very fast.

Galaxy Crunch

'Galaxy crunch' is a brand new breakfast cereal that is sweeping the globe. each box of cereal comes with a free toy called the 'galaxy crunch spy master kit'. the spy master kit is awesome. each month they add a new piece to the spy kit and so far it has 'galaxy glasses', 'spy zapper' and the 'magic space pen'. my favorite toy so far is the 'spy zapper' which stuns your enemies and makes them easier to tie up and take to the police. so far the cereal has helped capture hundreds of criminals worldwide. the police are even thinking of making the 'spy zapper' an official police weapon. the 'galaxy glasses' were a bit lame but i let that slide because that was the first toy that it came with. all new cereals deserve a second chance. also, the tv commercials all have the 'galaxy crunch band' in them and they have just released their first album which debuted at number 2 in the breakfast cereal charts. still in the number 1 spot is the 'panther pals' with 'safari snap' and i don't know anyone who likes that cereal. the best thing about galaxy crunch is the flavor, it is the best cereal i have ever tasted and the box is really cool. they have 'sweet sugar sally' on them and i like her a lot.

My New Club

I have a new club. it is called 'the bad-ass warrior club'. to be a member of the club and get your first badge you have to watch water world, that film with kevin costner, continuously for 8 hours without eating anything except for you can drink water. this is a tough first test and it is designed to toughen you up. basically 'the bad-ass warrior club' is all about being bad and having a bad attitude and also stealing candy from shops. you have to wear a baseball cap backwards and if you can have a mustache and a ponytail. at the moment my club only has 2 people in it. me and my best friend jason. we are building a club house and we want to put a sega mega drive in there. the rules of 'the bad-ass warrior club' are 1. never own up to it if you get busted 2. you have to smoke marlboro reds 3. have to spend minimum of 2 hours a day listening to slayer 4. don't be a sissy and never cry 5. no fruit or vegetables 6. learn martial arts 7. eddie van halen 8. keep the club house clean. there might be more rules later but those are the rules that jason and i came up with. our mascot is the wolf.

Tennis Is Bad For Health

A new study published today in 'sport doctor magazine' proves that tennis is bad for you. mostly the sport reduces a person's sense of self worth because of the funny uniforms and the bizarre head gear that players have to wear. the tennis helmets are very bad for the neck and back because of the sheer weight of them. an average tennis helmet weighs 10kg. also the new ruling that international competition be played indoors with c+c music factory playing continuously makes for lots of nervous breakdowns. and this is why the c+c music factory hospital is too full to take new patients. the only known cure for what doctors call c.c.m.f disorder is play the tennis albums backwards to counter the damage done. the other major reason why 'sport doctor magazine' says tennis is bad is because of the strict chicken-and-mayonnaise sandwich diet that tennis players have to stick to. too many of these sandwiches causes a fatty build-up in the base of the players neck so the head lolls about even worse what with the weight of the helmet. the designer of the first tennis helmet, a mr. howard jumpy, said in a recent interview that the tennis helmet could not possibly be bad for the players because anything that makes you look like a space robot has to be good for you. also he said that maybe the players should alternate the chicken-and-mayonnaise sandwiches with tuna-and-cucumber sandwiches.