"Hell Mask" For Public Transport

Public transport has got so much better lately because of the new thing that stops kids in the car in the next lane giving you the bird. it is called the 'hell mask' and only people in the window seats get them. its basically what it is, is that when you get in the bus you load up your 'hell mask' into the bus computer thanks to your swipe card. you just download the program and you make your 'hell mask' at home after dinner and dessert. so once you have done the swipe card trick you push the 'arm' button under the window and whenever it looks like a kid or bunch of kids is going to flip you the bird you hit the 'hell mask fury button'. this puts up a hologram that follows your facial features so it looks like your face is hell. when the 'hell mask' first came out in italy it was responsible for lots of damage because it also used the 'hell scream' and lots of drivers crashed. the 'hell scream' was truly terrifying. i once saw a man try to break through to the other side. so they toned it down somewhat. i like putting the 'hell mask' on and just riding around town and looking at the 'hell mask' in the reflection of the shop windows and trying to scare myself because like i said it is truly horrifying and i sometimes make rabbit ears behind my head so i laugh a lot. but only when there isn't anyone on the bus.

Movie Rummager

The cable tv station 'movie rummager' is really neat i think. for those of you who haven't heard about it yet i will give you the low down cheese. each day the producers pick a movie title out of a big bowl then they pick a scene from the movie and remake it so it lasts a whole day. it's really interesting because it's kind of like you are watching people who are somewhat confused and a little bit bored basically doing not much, but with really sweet sets and costumes. today is the scene from the movie parenthood where steve martin is cowboy dan at his sons birthday party. of course it isn't really steve martin, it's someone pretending to be steve martin. so it's kind of like being at a birthday party because it goes for the whole day but all the bits take a really long time and there is lots of interesting dialogue too. they use some of the original dialogue but they have to make up a whole bunch of new stuff too. there have been several hours of a bunch of kids standing in front of a man on a horse just milling about and i like it when they might clear their throats or scratch their heads. all of the actors do look pretty uncomfortable and you can see them talking to people off camera and being handed a cup of coffee. yesterday on movie rummager they did the bit from dirty dancing where swayze and jennifer grey are trying to dance on that log that goes over the stream. it was pretty tedious but they did have lots of nature cut-aways and i think i saw a man in the bushes.

N.A.R.G

Electric animals i think are pretty cool. like the electric eel and the electric horse, so i am working on a proposal to send to the 'new animals research group' - or, narg - to try to get them to build be some new electric animals. i think i have a pretty good case because what with some animals becoming extinct and all, there should be better ones to take their place. so far i have written a bit over 200 words in my proposal. i want them to make me an electric rabbit - or i was thinking of calling it the 'sting rabbit - so when ever you touch its tail you get 1000000 volts of 'oh crap that hurt!' and i also want a tail piece to cover it up for when i am at home. mostly i will just use it on my enemy todd, but i didn't put that in the proposal. i hate todd. he has a cool haircut. anyway, i want electric rabbits (aka sting rabbits) and i want buzz cats as well. when the people at narg make your new animal they also make up the warning stickers you put on your gate like 'beware of the buzz cat'. the guy who draws them used to work at cracked magazine.

DVD Reviews By Judd Whale

The new movie reviewer for the channel 8 tv show called 'cool parade' is done by a robot that is a cross between judd nelson and a whale. he is called judd whale and he gets about 5 minutes at the end of the show just for him to do a movie review. at the start of the segment, judd whale is lying on his stomach and out of the blow hole comes flying up the dvd case of the movie he is about to review, then they do this trick where the dvd changes from an actual dvd that came out of the blow hole into a picture of the dvd case that spins 360 a heap of times getting bigger and bigger and comes right up to the screen and stops so you can see it clearly. the rating system that judd whale uses is called the kelp-o-meter. the more kelp that judd whale gives a film the better it is. this week he reviewed the movie poison ivy. he said that it was ok, nothing special and the kelp-o-meter went about half way up. he has a side-kick also who is there to make funny comments and i always find it strange when the host is an animatronic judd nelson/whale and the side-kick is a real human. it would be way more believable if the side-kick was like an animated sea turtle that they superimpose into the shot. oh well. but i still like the segment anyway.

Old Men From Shops

There is a shop near my house that hires out old men. more and more people seem to want to have old men hanging about the house because now that tv has stopped people need silly stories to entertain themselves. the demand is so high that the store has begun to get middle aged men to wear make up to make them look older and they have synthesized the scent of old men and rub it on the pretend old men to make them more authentic. having one around the house is almost like having a big sleepy cat sometimes, and it is nice to have one curl up at your feet while you read a book or a magazine. they like pats and also like having their tummies rubbed. also people like to put them in the front yard as a kind of welcome home thing and it is funny when all the people on your street do it because that means that there are old men in dressing-gowns on all of the lawns and if you are really still and listen carefully you can hear them all gumming the insides of their mouths. i usually hire out don, but if he is out i like to get george. if it is a cold day you usually hire about 6 or seven and get them to pace around the house and it warms the place up real nice.

Spyderon: Private Investigator

There is a new private investigator in my town and his name is spyderon. he is a big spider who also is a spy and he is very good according to his advert in the paper which reads 'spideron is descrete, spideron will catch the baddies, spideron has low fees, spideron is your main squeeze. also spideron is the best'. he has this thing that holds lots of binoculars in front of his many eyes, but he did lose one eye when he was a little boy because he has a wheat allergy and lucky it was only one eye so he has an odd number of eyes so he just wears a patch to cover the odd one out. he has pretty bad asthma too, so he isn't as fast as he used to be. and he doesn't have a car so he has to take the bus but that's ok because he has a disguise that makes him look like a man who is ill. this is a good disguise because he needs to use crutches anyway. i went to visit him in his office which is a room in his moms house, so he doesn't have to pay rent. he told his mom that it is only temporary, and when the big cases start coming in, he will get a proper office. when i went to hang out with him we played mario kart for ages and talked about movies. he even has one of those frosted windows on the door with his name on it and i was really really impressed by it. there is also an ad on tv late at night for his services.

Psychological Thriller Shortage

Really good scientists have discovered that video shops have removed an entire section of videos, and now a genre could be lost. it is the psychological thriller section, and the stores just mix them all in with 'action adventure'. the biggest problem this causes is that when you get a video from the 'action adventure' section thinking that you are going to go home and watch an 'action adventure' film, you might sometimes have unknowingly picked out a psychological thriller. there is a group that is forming to fix this problem but they haven't come up with a cool acronym so they are basically useless. other different scientists are saying that the genre could be wiped from the face of the planet by 2020. matt damon gave a press conference to talk about the plight of the genre and he had sandwiches and bookshelves thrown at him because people said the 'bourne' whathaveyou's were 'action adventure' and that he was actually part of the problem. he responded by saying that him and ben affleck would remake that movie the lion king as a psychological thriller and star in it themselves in a live action version. if this actually happens, we could see more psychological thrillers being made.

New Album From Sha-Sha

Pop music sensation 'sha-sha' has just released her first full length album called, 'the sha-sha shake'. it features her first single, 'magic moves' which came out about a month ago and includes the video-clip for it. the video for 'magic moves' has the dance that she made up called 'the sha-star'. i have been practicing this dance for a while now but i am just not flexible enough to do it, in one part you have to like a star jump but your legs have to bend right up and touch your hands. i read an article that said that maybe sha-sha had her knees removed so she could do it, and i guess that is why i have never seen her actually walking. she is always either suspended from something like in her video clip, or lying down on the ground on her stomach looking at the camera, or underwater with fish. lots of young people are getting this surgery for christmas just so they can do the dance, other people do the dance really really slow while sitting in a chair and there is a version of the song that is exactly the same but slowed right down so the people who do the dance sitting down have time to get into position. this version makes her sound really funny and i find it a little bit scary. i have promised myself that i will not get my knees removed just to do the dance.

End For Clock-Radio

The term clock-radio is to be phased out according to one of my sources at a big company that makes electronic goods. my source, aka 'book worm' told me yesterday that this change will have a dramatic effect on the whole of the industry. 'book worm' told me that people are no longer purchasing the clock-radio en masse and in order to get people back to buying them, the industry is changing the name to r.a.d.d which stands for receive analogue display digital (pronounced, rad). mostly it is to attract to the younger share of the market. the current tv campaign has a young boy coming back from the shop to meet his pals and they're all like, hey where have you been jonsey, and then jonsey goes, my new rad is rad, then all his friends look at each other and go, rad rad? then it cuts back to jonsey and he is smiling super big and then it does a close up and he just says, rad, it's rad. then he turns his cap so it is backwards and skateboards away.

Junk Mail Ladies

My town has had to set up a neighbor-hood watch type watch to keep all eyes peeled trying to catch the junk mail ladies. or just lady, no one is sure at this stage. people who have the no junk mail stickers in their mailbox are 6 times more likely to have a major panic attack on bin-day than the people who don't have the stickers. see, what the junk mail ladies do is, use the garbage trucks as cover, then, when they get around to you house, they fill the mailbox with their junk mail. local police still don't have any leads so i have taken things into my own hands. like a vigilante. the theory is that the junk mail lady/ladies have large crab like claws and that they can scuttle at speeds up to that of the nba. my plan is to sppok one by preempting her attack - i shall stuff my mailbox with junk mail before she gets there, and hopefully she will collapse thinking someone is trying to take over her route, then collect the bits of her outer shell from the floor and take it to the police to check on their database. it's a long shot, but someone has to do something.