Tammy Reese Wins Competition

'Neurotic house-keeper magazine' had a competition last month. the winner was allowed to be the guest editor for the coming issue and to win it you had to write in 20 words or less what would you write an article about. tammy reese (7) wrote: ' forks go in fork drawer, shoes go in shoe cupboard, so the chairs should go in a chair room'. and the rest as they say, is history. with the help of some of the magazine staff she was able to organize her house just the way she wanted but her parents were a little upset. tammy's house now has a room for blankets, a room for radios, a room for bric-a-brac, a room for cardigans, a room for chairs, a room for cupboards etc. of course, there weren't enough rooms in the house to cover all the different things, so she had make her parent take out a half dozen mortgages to build an extension. 540 rooms in total. now there is a room in the house that just has a cat in it, and a room in the house that just has family members. the photos that accompany the article are pretty incredible but the one with her mom and dad just shows tammy beaming happy, and her parents crying a whole lot. some of the rooms are really small like the room for necklaces.

Lego Teeth

A few weeks ago i tried an experiment that didn't really go so well. i was playing with lego, building stairs on top of my stairs in order to make like a foot massage stairwell because i like foot massages but i hate going up stairs. i tripped on a pepper grinder and fell onto a book shelf and all of my teeth turned into rockets and flew away. then i had the idea that i should replace all of my teeth with lego because i really like the sound of lego being pulled apart. i got my best friend jason to help me with gluing the new lego teeth in and i couldn't eat or drink for 'allow 2-3 hours for glue to set'. flossing with lego teeth is the best thing in the world! also now i can make huge rabbit teeth by joining my other lego bits to my lego teeth so that they come down past my chin. right now i have joined my lego pirate set to my teeth and made it wrap around my head. sometimes it gets a bit heavy and my head droops so i have to make the lego-growth go behind my head to even the weight out. now jason (my best friend) wants lego teeth too so we are trying to figure out a way for him to have all of teeth come out. then it would be awesome. mostly now i eat soft food.

Dinosaur Dungeon

On last nights episode of dinosaur dungeon (i always found it odd that there were no dinosaurs in the show...), peg leg sophie was trapped in her car because that stupid cg pegasus saw her trying to steal lord oberton's organizer from the secret drawer in his desk. the cg pegasus trapped her in the car by means of sticky-tape and a bag of snakes. but what i really liked was how she managed to get out of the car. see, lord oberton hates the cg pegasus so so much, and really has a crush on peg leg sophie and he knew that she would steal his organizer and the last entry in the organizer was something about how he knew she would end up stuck in the car and it told her how to get out. she got out by knocking out one of the snakes with a peg leg, then putting its tail in the cigarette lighter of the car, then the snake ran out through a small hole in the floor board and wrapped itself around the cg pegasus, and the cg pegasus fell onto the sticky-tape that covered the car and burned it off the car so she could open the door, then she ran out and hugged lord oberton and he found the self destruct button on the pegasus and the pegasus blew up and then snakes turned into confetti.

Jazz Solo

The longest jazz solo ever performed was by an 11 year old hugh grant. it went for just over 6 minutes and he denies that it ever happened to this day. the whole thing was recorded by his step father on one of those handy-cams that was big enough to take a vhs tape. hugh grant was wearing a rabbit costume and an accordion fell into the mouth hole in the rabbit costume and slightly concussed the boy and the accordion kind of loosened and got tangled up round his body and the jazz solo ensued. his step father was recording some birds in a tree and so it is very lucky that he was an avid bird watcher or else the footage wouldn't even exist. just after a bootleg of this recording came out jazz musicians began playing in the 'grant suit' style, where they would try and drop instruments into animal costumes that they wear to get it as good as hugh did that memorable june afternoon.

Cyclops Attack

If you are ever confronted by a giant cyclops there are really only a handful of things that you need to know in order to trick it. firstly, one should avoid fancy cafe's because they are coffee fiends, an average cyclops will drink up to 19 black coffee's each hour. aside from this method of avoidance, one will likely encounter a cyclops on public transport. and everybody needs to take the bus. even cyclops'. when threatened by a cyclops you should cover one of your eyes and make a noise like a washing machine. this noise is what a baby cyclops sounds like, and covering an eye will make it think that you are a cyclops baby. if these methods fail you have to try reverse-cyclops-scare-tactics like taking a bag of chalk and throwing it down in front of you so it looks like a magic potion, or by singing the national anthem. cyclops' are notoriously unpatriotic and this will give them such a headache that they will try to hurt themselves. if a bus full of people sing the national anthem, then the cyclops will rip its legs off, rendering it harmless. i have laminated these instructions if people need an all weather instruction sheet.

Fun Activity

The newest craze to sweep my town is called 'onesies'. everyone on your street has to have a little battery powered keyboard to participate though, and you can pick these up real cheap from any secondhand dealer. each house on the street gets assigned one note on their keyboard (my note is F#) and when you leave your house you have to take the keyboard with you and when you see someone else with their keyboard you have to play your note. this works best when there is a group of people. so as to avoid confusion, the tallest person plays their note first and so on down to the shortest. this is so much fun to play on the way to the shops. i have chosen to always use the 'jazz organ' sound. one time when i was going to get milk i helped play the theme to 'close encounters of the third kind', then on the way back home a song by 'the supremes'. it is a good community activity. but some people kind of cheat and wear lifts in their shoes so they can play the first note, then they quickly take them out so they can play the last note, but nobody seems to mind because now lots of people are doing it and it does look a bit silly with all these people wearing huge lifts in their shoes and walking around a bit clumsy. i hope it comes to a town near you.

Dinner Jacket FM

On the fm dial i discovered a radio station that i had never heard before, i probably have accidentally heard it before but not really noticed it because the announcer hardly ever speaks. it's called dinner jacket fm and it is a station devoted to helping people sleep. what people do is call in before they want to go to sleep and request things that help them go to sleep. todd almsted requested the sound of 'lawn mowers in the neighbors yard on a sunday morning'. this i did not really like. margaret pepper asked to hear 'lots of taps dripping'. odd thing about mrs pepper is that she has had 7 constantly dripping taps installed in her bed room, she is a widow. jose smith wanted to sleep listening to 'people mumbling to themselves', he works in a factory that makes biscuits. i called in asked to hear my cat snoring. the announcer called me a rascal and laughed and said that he doesn't have a recording of my cat snoring so i recorded it then mailed it to him the next week and he played it for me. i was on the radio, i was so excited.

"THE DOLLIT" Is Here

"I am The Dollit... There can be no shield without The Dollit" this is the first contact that i had with the dollit. that was what he said. the dollit is better than everyone else. he is approximately 70% better than everyone at everything i tested him on. he will make everything better. i am pretty sure that the dollit comes from way out in outer space. he has the face of jesus in his throat, the body of godzilla and he has the tentacles of an octopus. so far today, the dollit has already ran the 3 minute mile, made a fruit juice, and done all of the ironing. he talks without moving his lips. apparently he gets all of his power from top 40 radio. there are a few other important bits of information that you should know about the dollit. he is always in capital letters and the letters are always bigger than anyone elses, and there are always lots of exclamation marks after his name. as yet, i am not totally clear on the whole shield thing but i guess the dollit will let us know when the time is right.

Honor

Yesterday i was forced to protect my honor at the roller disco. i was under the assumption that a roller disco wasn't specifically for people with roller skates, i thought it also included rollerblades. i was wearing my new rollerblades that i got for my birthday. the rollerblades came with a really great instructional video and i hadn't even put them on and i was hooked! so anyway i was at the roller disco and having never rollerbladed before i was a bit clumsy, i spent the whole night holding on the edge of the rink kind of walking around the rink going very slow. in hindsight i probably should have practiced all day but that damn video made it look so easy. anyway i bumped into a girl and her boyfriend who was as big as a post office threatened to kill me unless i jumped over a car on my rollerblades. so i did it to defend my honor then i ran home.

No Fractions

When i was 9 years old i was sick from school for a whole week. i had a really sore leg because someone dropped a huge sack of transformer toys on it. this was when they were made out of glass and the glass broke and grimlock got stuck in my shank. so while i was home sick my class learned fractions. the whole deal. when i came back to school i had missed out entirely and whenever the subject of fractions came up in later years i had to pretend to be sick and leave the room. my teachers asked my parents if there was something wrong with me because whenever they would say anything to do with it i would faint. my moms just said i was particularly sensitive. at first i was pretending but later i actually would faint. even at the supermarket i sometimes faint when trying to figure out how much my bag of carrots would cost if they are such-and-such a price per what-have-you. once i fainted while watching top-gun at the cinema and i still can't make it through the whole film. all those dials. also naked gun.